today is my husband’s 42nd birthday.

and i’m rosy sunshine.

except that is a lie. well, the last part is a lie – it IS my husband’s birthday.

yesterday my friend rachel opened a new yoga studio, grass roots. so exciting. she asked me to work the front desk and i obliged. i was looking forward to it, finally getting out of the house, interacting in a social environment. it went really well; she had a great turn out. i even managed myself alright for the duration.

i cried as soon as i walked out the door.

who am i?

what am i doing?

what purpose do i serve?

does my life even have meaning?

so many thoughts rattling in my head.

useless. i’m useless.

i cried on j’s shoulder when i arrived home. i thank God for him. he’s been so understanding. but i’m always the one who brings others upi don’t even know who i am these days. “i invited my parents over for a late lunch tomorrow,” j said last night. tears again. my parents can’t come – or perhaps they could but i’m certain mom wouldn’t want to. she can’t eat.

my mom is dying and i can’t save her. that is the thought that continually rings in my head. i may have the tools to lengthen her time here, help her live better … holistically, mentally, emotionally, nutritionally, but i’ve talked to her about these things in the past. i mostly get no response. i have ZERO idea how my mom actually feels. she rarely discloses. i feel helpless.

while i was there every day during her hospital stay and have been seeing her every day since, it’s mostly to check in, take care of things she needs, attend appointments with her, help dad. she rarely says much though. nothing about herself, how she feels. she generally asks how we are all doing. it’s very kind of her to think of all of us, but i want to know how i can help her. i feel helpless. i just don’t know what to do most days.

i told j i don’t want to bring him down on his birthday. but i don’t know how not to. i’m so down, volatile. i am angry. i have mean thoughts most days. i recognize it but can’t get a hold of it. i am trying so hard to escape this funk i am in. but it is hard. i want to be my happy-go-lucky self.

i can’t stand to be around people who complain about things. i’m surely not perfect but i try not to complain – especially about things i can’t control. i used to be that person. i was depressed a lot during my late teens/early adult years, about life in general. i was on an anti-depressant for a while and learned very quickly that it wasn’t for me. that is when i started reading self-help books. i learned a lot about how the mind works. the self-help books did, in fact, help me. i changed my mind on how to deal with things. i learned how to change my mind on things i couldn’t control. maybe that is what i need to do again now, find a good book that outlines strategies for coping with your mother dying.

and i hate to say it like that because while the cancer is consuming her, she could have a lot of life to live. and she is alive now so that is what she should be doing. instead i feel her surrendering. its hard to watch.

i feel helpless. and it’s my husband’s birthday. such a crock of shit. i’ve got to pull it together, put my big girl panties on.

but this is where the story ends today. like every bad story. it has no conclusion. i’m in limbo – neither here nor there.